When I stand before God at the end of my life,
I would hope that I would have
not a single bit of talent left
and could say,
I used everything You gave me.
~ Erma Bombeck ~

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humor

 

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
> night.
> –Rodney Dangerfield
>
>
> “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
> particularly in women. Chief among these is the
> Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
> –Lynn Lavner
>
>
> “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
> –Camille Paglia
>
>
>
> “Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
> unimportant.”
> –George Burns
>
>
> “Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake a whole
> relationship.”
>
> –Sharon Stone
>
>
> “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
> Golf
> is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
> –Tiger Woods
>
>
> “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
> –Jack Nicholson
>
>
> “Clinton lied.  A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
> he
> never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
> –Barbara Bush (former U.S. First Lady – and you didn’t think Barbara had
> a
> sense of humor)
>
>
> “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals
> through his wallet.”
> –Robin Williams
>
>
> “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place”
> –Billy Crystal
>
>
> “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
> undressing
> in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
> that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
> –Robert De Niro
>
>
> “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
> having allergic reactions to latex condoms.  They say they cause severe
> swelling. So what’s the problem?”
> –Dustin Hoffman
>
>
>
> “There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know
> what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!”
> –Jerry Seinfeld
>
>
>
> “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
> enough
> blood to run one at a time.”
> –Robin Williams
>
>
> “It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
> –Joan Rivers
>
>
> “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money
> can buy.”
> –Steve Martin
>
>
> “You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
> things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.  Stuff you pay
> good money for in later life.”
> –Elmo Phillips
>
>
> “Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.”
> –Oscar Wilde
>
>
>
> “It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
> –George Burns
>
>
>